The Bad Things That Happen To Bad Writers
by The Bad Things
Summary: Snape, Tom, Neville, and Draco have been forced, I mean, graciously accepted our invitation to read and comment on these ... erm... cough ... lovely fics... Warning: Slash and SHr and bad fanfics.
1. Dreams of a HouseElf

_(Disclaimer: We, the Bad Things, are relieved to inform you that we do not own these stories. However, we are sad to say we don't own any of the other characters (Namely JK's) either. Life's a bitch, huh?)_

Dreams of a House-elf 

**Disclaimer:Considering what this is... AN: It's a Dobby/Winky romance + EVIL!Kreacher. Dobby and Winky elope!**

Tom: ... Am I the only one disturbed by this?

Snape: Oh dear god!

Draco: -Scoffs- House elves don't 'Elope'.

Neville: ...I think it's a bit sweet...

Draco: -Glares- -Cuffs Neville up side the head-

Snape: -to Tom- I'll just kill him now and save us all.

Tom: Go for it. -Bored-

**There were several reasons why Dobby and Kreacher did not get on, including the fact that they had different opinions of Harry Potter. However, the main reason was a small female house-elf known as Winky.**

Tom: My gag reflex is starting to kick in...

Snape: So is mine.

**Winky was, in her own words, "a good house-elf" and she was also, according to Dobby, very beautiful. But Dobby was careful never to tell Winky too much about how he wanted to leave his family, since Winky was his girlfriend, and he did not want to break up with her because they disagreed.**

Draco: -Scowls- Like we'd allow our House Elves to fraternize with each other in that fashion...

**One day, Dobby was taken by his family to visit 'The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black'. His master sent him to the kitchens, to help the other house-elf, named Kreacher, and Dobby soon found both Kreacher and the kitchens. However, Dobby was in for a shock when he got there, for there were Kreacher and Winky kissing!**

Draco:... What the hell is Winky doing there to begin with!

Tom: That mental image... is so wrong... on so many levels.

Neville: ...I still think it's sweet.

Snape: Don't even go there. -glares-

Neville: -cowers-

Snape: I'm going to gouge my eyes out now...

Tom: -nods-

**Dobby was too angry to cook well that day. In fact, he was too angry to cook at all. He turned and stamped out of the room, with difficulty, since he had no permission to. Winky had kissed Kreacher, a bad house-elf if ever there was one! How could she! And Winky had told Dobby so often that she loved him! How dare she! Dobby wept tears of anger and loss.**

Snape: Why doesn't he have permission?

Tom: -As Author- And after Dobby left he kitchen, he rammed his head against the wall repeatedly.

Draco: -Twitch- Kreacher is a good House elf. He didn't leave the kitchen without permission.

Snape: This is Potter's sixth year...Dobby was released in the second year...

Tom: Unlike some other ungrateful creatures...

Neville: Ooo, butterflies.

Draco: I don't think time matters to the author.

Tom: -Stares at Neville- You're in your own little world, aren't you.

Snape: -kills Neville- Ah. Dunderhead this author is.

**Later, when Dobby had calmed down a little, he realised that Winky had in fact been struggling when she was in Kreacher's embrace. Also, Dobby was sure he had heard her say something along the lines of, "Winky wishes to slap Kreacher! Winky loves Dobby!" And now, when Dobby visited Winky, she was not working in her master's house. Perhaps… perhaps, Kreacher had kidnapped her!**

Tom: -Sarcastically- Oh, My!

Draco: Apparently our old House Elf is retarded.

Neville: Like master like house-elf.

Tom: Because attempted rape is so easy to confuse...

Draco: -Kills Neville-

Snape: -watches in amusement-

**Dobby could not work well when he was thinking about Winky, and his master was not happy. Dobby had to punish himself more and more, and, after having to shut his ears in the oven and his fingers in the freezer, and having to iron his long nose, Dobby decided that, that night, "I is going to rescue Winky!"**

Tom: Isn't it suppose to be: Dobby is going to rescue Winky?

Tom: How hard is it to speak House Elf?

Snape: The author doesn't know any better. -rolls eyes- God the idiot.

Neville: -is dead-

Draco: Iron... That's a muggle thing.

Tom: That it is.

Draco: -Scowls- We have no muggle things in our house. It's called Magic.

Snape: Freezers are a Muggle invention.

**Winky was miserable. Kreacher had imprisoned her in his master's childhood bedroom. There were bars on the windows and locks and bolts on the door. Her only company was a smirking portrait, which made sarcastic comments and glowered at the back of her neck. She missed Dobby, despite his strange beliefs about employment and payment. Dobby had been friendly and kind, a nice house-elf, as Winky put it, if not a _good_ house-elf. **

Neville: Doesn't want her to go anywhere, does he?

Draco: Why would they put bars on the windows? Was that that Blood Traitor Sirius' room?

Snape: I think that's what the author is trying to say.

Draco: -Scoffs- The Author's an idiot that daydreams about House Elf Sex

Snape: I'll have to obliviate myself now. God...The images...

**And she had been here for at least three years without seeing any house-elf except the disgusting and filthy Kreacher. The only way she could get out of this prison was when one of her masters Summoned her. And as soon as she'd done whatever they wanted her for, she found herself back in the barred bedroom. She wanted to scream in frustration!**

Neville: Why didn't she just stay away? There's no magic mentioned that she had to return...

Draco: -Scoffs- As if Father would allow a house elf out of the house knowningly.

Snape: Wow. Longbottom's actually using his head.

Tom: Three years? It took that idiot house elf Dobby three years to finally do something.

Tom: Did the shiny things distract him.

Snape: -snicker-

**It was late July or early August in 1994 when Winky broke down completely. Her master had given her clothes, she'd been imprisoned in this place for what felt like forever, and Dobby didn't care. He _didn't care!_ It wasn't fair!**

Snape: Life's not fair. Get over it.

Draco: He gave you clothes because you kept fraternizing with the Black's elf.

Tom: Dobby loves shiny things more than you.

Tom: They're prettier.

Neville: -entranced by shiny objects-

Snape: Simpleton.

**There was a scraping noise at the bars on Winky's window. She took no notice of it, too absorbed in her tears to notice. The metallic rasp continued, a little louder. Winky ignored it. The scratching continued for a little while, then stopped very suddenly. There was a distant crash.**

Tom: -As Dobby- Dobby is here to save Winky! Because Shiny dumped me!

Draco: Why not just apperate into the room...?

Snape: That's what I'm wondering!

Neville: Shiny

Snape: Idiot

Draco: I would image a loud crash would wake the Blacks up...

**"Winky?"**

Winky's tear-streaked face emerged from her skirt. A skirt! The shame!

_Dobby was hovering outside the window. _

Snape: Oh, so now he can hover?

Draco: ...

Neville: I don't get it... o.O

Tom: He's superman, didn't you know.

Snape: O.O You pay attention to Muggle television?

Tom: I prefer to think of it as spying on the enemy.

**Dobby looked concernedly at his girlfriend. She looked terrible! What had Kreacher done to her?**

Winky stared back, her face blotchy because of her recent tears. "Dobby?" she whispered.

Dobby nodded, smiling. "I is here to rescue Winky."

Neville: ...His girlfriend?

Tom: He locked her in Sirius' bedroom.

Snape: ...

Snape: Oh brave Dobby... -retch-

**Winky looked shocked, but delighted, too. She seemed unable to believe that Dobby was here, actually here, to rescue her. Dobby gazed at her lovingly and stuck an arm through the gap where the bars on Winky's window had been.**

"Come with Dobby, Winky! Come with Dobby!"

Winky jumped up immediately and ran to the window. She grasped Dobby's hand, and Dobby felt a shiver of delight pass from her through him.

Neville: How will she get through the bars?

Tom: -As Dobby- Give Me Your Soul, Winky! Give Me Your Soul!

Snape: Too much Muggle entertainment for you.

Tom: I've been meaning to make one of those claws that Freddy guy had.

Tom: -Smirk-

Snape: It's ok. They have therapy for cases like yours.

**"Oh, Dobby!" she gasped, carefully climbing down the ladder outside the window. "I is loving you, Dobby!"**

Dobby's smile could have beaten the Cheshire Cat's any day. "And I, Winky, I is loving you, too!"

They stopped, halfway down the ladder, for an awkward hug.

Tom: -as Gir- I loving you, piggy! I loving you!

Snape: -sarcasm- Oh Dobby! Harder! Harder! -dies-

Neville: Dude, that was so not right.

Draco: I thought he was hovering...

Draco: Where'd the ladder come from?

Snape: It magically appeared. What did you expect? -.-

**Dobby could have flown up to cloud eighteen, never mind cloud nine, with Winky in his arms. She loved him, and he loved her, and they were going to elope to Hogwarts together, and marry, and live happily ever after, for ever and ever and ever, and Professor Dumbledore would pay him, and employ Winky, and they'd never be sad again, and all his dreams would come true.**

Everything was wonderful.

Tom: ... How cheesy...

Snape: -shakes head- That was a royal waste of my time.

Neville: I like it.

Snape: You'll never get laid, you know that.

Draco: You have manure for brains as well.


	2. Facing my Fears

_(Disclaimer: We, the Bad Things, are relieved to inform you that we do not own these stories. However, we are sad to say we don't own any of the other characters (Namely JK's) either. Life's a bitch, huh?)_

**"Ms. Granger?" **

Hermione started. "Yes, Professor?" she said, trying to be more alert by sitting up straight.

"Do you have the answer?" said Professor McGonagall, looking very you repeat the question?" Hermione said, her cheeks burning.

"Never mind," said McGonagall, directing her gaze at someone else. "Finnigan…" 

Tom: ... Looking Very You Repeat the Question?

Snape: Wow. Hermione can't answer the question...The world will end...

Neville: That didn't make sense...-scratches head-

**Hermione drifted back to her daydream once more and toned out all other words from Professor McGonagall.**

Neville: Hermione wouldn't daydream in class...

Snape: It's OOC, you idiot.

**_She knocked twice on the door. "It's me," she said huskily._**

The door slowly opened and revealed a dark room filled with ubiquitous vanilla candles. A single rose lay on the oak table, shadowed by a tall figure who took her in his arms…

Tom: ... That better not be me. 

Snape: You know you wish it was... .

Tom: I'm not a mudblood fancier. Unlike some Traitors I know...

Snape: Are you referring to me? -innocent-

Tom: Don't look like that. It's creepy.

Snape: Whatever do you mean? -more innocent-

Neville: -cowers in corner- It IS creepy!

Snape: -bats eyelashes-

**She couldn't take it any longer. She had been having the same dream again and again, and, she decided, it was time to take action.**

As soon as Transfiguration class was over, she rushed up to the Gryffindor girls dorm to change into something she had been saving for a while now. Actually, she had bought it on a dare during one of Lavender's Hogsmeade parties. It was a sleeveless black mini dress, with a deep V-neck and open cuts in various places, revealing some of her tanned skin. She quickly put this on, and, not being able to wait another second, raced off to Hagrid's hut.

Snape: I predict frightening things in the future...

Tom: Oh, Streetwalker dress.

Tom: Because everyone knows Hagrid is a pimp.

Neville: What's wrong with her seeing Hagrid?

Draco: -Shudders- In a Hooker dress?

Neville: -innocent-

Draco: -Smirks- You're about to be educated.

**Hermione knocked twice on the large oak door, just like in her dream.**

"Who is it," said a deep voice from inside.

"It's me, Hermione," she said as sexily as she could.

"Oh," There was a low creaking noise, and the door opened to reveal Hagrid. His beard was long and tangled, and Hermione longed to bury her face in it. He was sporting his usual tan long-sleeved shirt and dragon skin vest, with thick black trousers kept up with a thick sliver belt.

Snape: Tom? I'm afraid...

Tom: Me too, Snape... me too... .

Draco: Sliver?

Draco: A thick Sliver?

Tom: I think she meant Silver...

Draco: -Scoffs- Like he could afford a silver belt...

** "Come on in, Hermione," said Hagrid, ushering her inside, curiously examining her outfit and feeling his pants shrink. Hermione hesitantly made her way inside and sat down on the large, soft bed.**

"Hermione," said Hagrid, noting her nervousness. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

Hermione straightened her dress. "Well…yes, Hagrid. I…um…I – love you."

Hagrid could barely believe his ears. Was he dreaming?

Hermione was visibly sweating now. "Rubeus – did you hear me? – I said I love you." 

Neville: Aw! Hagrid found love! -innocent-

Tom: She made his pant's shrink. Now he thinks he's getting an erection...

Draco: -as Hagrid- Oh... How much do I have to pay you?

Snape: -laughs-

Neville: Snape's scary when he laughs!

**This seemed to be the encouragement that he needed, for he made a low growling noise in the back of his throat and pulled her to him, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss. Hermione moaned and Hagrid slipped his huge tongue into her small mouth. This made Hermione curious to know the size of some other body parts.**

Hagrid lifted her easily and placed her on the bed, breaking the kiss so he could slip her dress off. Hermione made sure that he was unclothed enough for her as well. 

Tom: Just... no...

Snape: Am I allowed to look away or do I have to read the whole thing? oO

Neville: o.o

Draco: Wouldn't something that size, you know, be fatal?

Snape: You would think...

Tom: This is magic, Draco.

Tom: You can shove an elephant in there as long as you're magic.

Draco: -Looks green-

Snape: -suddenly realizes- Hey! That's MY Hermione that slut-whore author is using! Hermione would never be caught dead with that oaf on top of her! -fumes-

Tom: -Stares at Snape-

Tom: -Mutters: Traitor-

Snape: Did I say that aloud?

**Soon enough, it was all over, and Hermione was sore all over, but feeling more – full than she had ever felt, for Hagrid had fallen asleep as soon as they had finished their frenzied activity, and he had forgotten to remove himself. Hermione could feel her own eyelids closing as well, and, before she fell asleep, she realized that they had forgotten to use a condom. **

Tom: I foresee many a bad things...

Neville: There's no detail in that scene!

Snape: You freaking pervert!

Draco: And one of them is the Mudblood being split apart with the half breed's baby.

Snape: Exactly

** "Where is he? Aren't the teachers supposed to teach us?"**

"Where's Hermione?"

Voices drifted in from outside… waking Hermione up. Blinking open her heavy eyes, she realized the direness of the situation. She banged on Hagrid's skull, hoping he would wake up.

"Hermione? What in bloody hell are you doing?" He roared, rubbing his sore head.

"Your class is here! Slytherin Gryffindor Magical Creatures!" She quickly threw on her dress and the invisibility cloak she had used to sneak out the night before. "I've got to go!" 

Tom: ... I have no comment for this...

Draco: I thought the cloak was Potters...

Snape: Someone bang me on the head… with something, preferably, hard. Maybe when I wake up it'll be over

Tom: That was his payment to her.

Neville: Harry lets Hermione borrow it. -Defensive-

Tom: And she stole it then.

Draco: She called it hers.

**And with that, she left Hagrid still blinking stupidly, naked, on the bed with a class right outside his hut. _God-bloody-damn it._**

He rolled off bed and crawled into a large dress-like coat someone had gotten him as a Christmas present once. It wasn't great, but it would do, so he rose from the floor and walked regally out of the door.

"Good Mornin' Class!" He rumbled. Just then, he saw Hermione running from the Hogwarts down to his hut. Her frizzy hair was flying behind her, and her long, fit legs were running so fast he was worried that she wouldn't be able to stop. 

Snape: Why doesn't he just put on clothes?

Draco: -As Author- As the Students were scarred for life as little Hagrid peeked out.

Neville: Was I in that class? I don't remember...

Snape: It's fiction, you idiot!

Tom: I just had a flashback...

Snape: Do tell.

Tom: I remember why I hate Quidditch...

Tom: And why Hagrid was banned from playing it...

Tom: Curse those interhouse locker rooms!

** "Sorry I'm late, Hagrid." She looked up at him through long, black eyelashes and smiled. She looked so sexy that memories of last night ran through his thoughts. He heard Malfoy snort and looked over towards the Slytherin section. They were pointing… down there. Hagrid looked down, and realized he had a problem on his hands. His large hands. They went so perfectly with his very large feet, and, well, you know what they say.**

Hastily, he covered his lower area up with his robes, but it was too late. By then, the entire class had seen it, and Hagrid didn't know what to do – but then – 

Neville: That's just wrong...-twitch-

Draco: I WAS RIGHT!

Snape: Twenty points to Slytherin.

Tom: Oh Goodie! He'll be kicked out of Hogwarts again!

Snape: Then he'll stay away from my Hermione! -glares-

** "Class," he boomed, and the giggling fell silent as many pairs of eyes stared at him. "We are doing things a little differently today. Professor Dumbledore couldn't find another teacher that was as well-suited as I was for the job, so he gave it to me. Today we will be doing Sex Ed – the muggle way."**

Several sets of eyebrows shot up towards the heavens. 

Neville: Oh no...

Draco: He's teaching 17 year olds sex ed?

Snape: -eye twitch-

Tom: How? Last night was the only time he ever got laid.

Snape: -laughs-

Neville: Don't laugh! It's freaky!

Draco: He's going to use you as an example too.

Neville: I hate you!

** "Now this," he said, opening his coat wide so he was completely naked, "Is a penis. It impregnates a female during sex, in which the penis goes into a woman's vagina. Hermione," he said, waggling his fingers at her to come up to him. "You will help me demonstrate."**

By now, the entire class was dumbstruck, and could only watch with gaping mouths as Hermione walked up to Hagrid and threw off her cloak, revealing a naked body. 

Snape: Oh HELL no!

Draco: -Gags-

Tom: -Shudders- So… so fired...

Neville: I wanna go home...

Snape: He'll be dead before he can be fired!

Draco: He's still going to demonstrate Gay sex with you, Longbottom

Tom: Snape, your Traitor is showing. 

Snape: No it isn't! I'm...I'm...I'm protecting a student! That's all!

** "Now watch closely class," said Hagrid, pumping in and out of Hermione. "What I'm doing right now is called sex. The sperm from my penis goes into a woman's vagina and travels to her uterus, where it goes into an egg. It then, over a nine-month period, will turn into a baby." The entire time Hagrid was talking, Hermione was moaning deeply and throwing herself at Hagrid. **

** "Now, so you all get a good idea of sex," said Hagrid loudly, "I will assign you each a partner and you will perform this act of pleasure."**

Soon, the air was thick with moaning and heat was emanating from all around Hagrid. "That was great, darling," whispered Hermione huskily while they made love again and again. "Thanks." 

Snape: -groans and slumps back into his seat- Who seconds the motion to kill the author?

Neville: -flips through the pages- It's not over yet...

Tom: Points for the group orgy.

Draco: Like I would degrade myself.

Neville: You know you would.

Draco: Not in public.

Tom: To me, maybe.

** "Awesome lesson, Hagrid," said many sweaty students passing by him as they left. "Thanks," said Hagrid, grinning. "I know I enjoyed it."**

"Hey, Hagrid!" Harry and Ron were running over to them, both smiling like loons on loon tablets. "Thanks for the lesson, Hagrid," said Harry breathlessly. "I finally had Cho!"

"And Luna and I have decided to start a relationship," said Ron excitedly. 

Snape: Loons on loon tablets?

Neville: Luna? She's mine! -looks around- Eh...-cough-

Draco: -Author- But Then The Ministry appeared and arrested Hagrid for being a Pedophile.

Tom: You go well together, Neville. Note Sarcasm.

Snape: Oh yay! Pedophiles are vile.

Snape: -secretly pets his picture of Hermione-

Tom: -Side stare-

Snape: What?

** "Speaking of relationships," said Harry suggestively. "Are you guys in one?"**

Hagrid looked at Hermione, but she placed her hand on his and stated "Yes," firmly.

Just then, Harry's watch emmited a loud beep. "Oi, better hurry Ron, we're going to be late for Potions!" And with that they ran off to the vast castle in the distance, hitching up their falling trousers.

"Don't you have to go as well, Hermione?" said Hagrid, looking at her.

"I've got more important things to do…" said Hermione, running a finger down his naked chest and grabbing his hand.

"Come on!" 

Snape: They're not getting into my classroom after that!

Tom: -Gags-

Draco: She's a nympho...

Neville: You think?

Tom: No, she's a slut. With a slutty dress.

Snape: That dress is gone.

Tom: Was it a gift from you.

Tom: -Stares-

Snape: Shut up! -looks around anxiously-

** "Ohhhh," Hermione moaned, running towards the toilets for the second time in that hour.**

"Hermione, are you sure you're ok?" Hagrid called into the bathroom over the retching sounds.

"Just…a little virus…" she called back weakly before another wave of bile forced its way up her throat.

"That's it," said Hagrid, pulling on an overcoat. "I'm taking you to the hospital wing." 

Neville: Hermione's pregnant...

Tom: Well, that was fast.

Draco: No, she's just vomiting up all the semen.

Tom: Lesson, never give Giants head.

Snape: -glares- I have no comments...

** "No, really! I'm – " But she couldn't finish, so Hagrid took her in his arms and carried her over to the castle and into the hospital wing.**

"Goodness, Hagrid!" exclaimed Madame Pomfrey. "What is the matter?"

"Hermione's sick," said Hagrid, laying her down gently on one of the beds.

Madame Pomfey made a tsking noise, but bent over Hermione to examine her.

"Well, I will do a few tests. Come back tomorrow – I will keep her overnight."

Hagrid sadly brushed a stray hair out of Hermione's face, but then he left, closing the door behind him. 

Snape: Why must the author drag Poppy into this story as well?

Neville: Hermione's pregnant..

Tom: And they found that the Mudblood's stomach was stuffed full of Giant Sp..

Draco: Stop! I'll vomit.

Neville: -ignores him- Hermione's pregnant.

Neville: Hermione's pregnant.

Tom: Yes, and they'll make you godfather.

Snape: Don't rub it in! -kills him-

**Early the next morning, Hagrid pulled a moleskin overcoat overtop of his boxers and rushed over to the hospital wing, desperate to see how Hermione was doing. To his great surprise, Hermione was propped up on pillows and was reading a book. Upon seeing him enter, she put the book down and smiled at him.**

"How do you feel?" said Hagrid anxiously.

"Better than ever," said Hermione, giving him a hug.

"I guess you just had a stomach virus," said Hagrid, relieved.

Hermione fidgeted a bit in her bed. "Actually, Rubeus – about that – "

Madame Pomfrey came in and announced, "She's pregnant!" 

Tom: Way to ruin the surprise.

Draco: She's going to huge...

Snape: She'll have an abortion! I'll see to it myself.

Neville: Wonder if the kid'll be hairy.

Draco: It'll be a furball.

Tom: Hagrid's hair and the mudblood's bushyness.

** "Rubeus!" Hermione screamed, getting out of bed as Hagrid fell to the floor, shaking the walls with the impact of his body and the floor.**

"He'll be ok," Madame Pomfrey assured her, pushing Hermione back into her bed. "He's just a little shocked, he'll get over it. Now do you know how far along you are?" she said, conjuring an enormous bed and levitating Hagrid onto it with great difficulty.

"Well, I've been living with Rubeus for a few months now. The first time was in September," she added, blushing. 

Tom: -As Poppy- Pedophile! .o

Snape: Let ME make the call to the Ministry to get that oaf locked up!

Neville: -stares at Snape- You're awfully enthusiastic.

Draco: You'll be laughing evilly as you call though... They won't take it seriously...

Draco: I'll tell father he molested me in class.

Tom: Which he did in the whole orgy thing.

Draco: I can make myself cry on command.

Neville: -flips through story- OMG... O.O It gets worse...

** "I see," said Madame Pomfrey. "Well the only problem will be getting to your lessons. Because you are pregnant with Hagrid's child, I imagine it will be rather large for it's size, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I will keep Hagrid overnight, just to rest him up, but I suppose you can sleep in the Gryffindor Common room for one night?"**

"Yes, that will be fine," said Hermione, getting up and slipping on a pair of black sneakers and her robes. "I'll come back tomorrow."

And with one last glance at Hagrid, who was still out cold, she left the Hospital Wing and made her way to the Gryffindor Common room.

"Hermione!" Harry and Ron made their way over to her, looking very shocked. "I thought that you were staying with Hagrid!" said Ron, frowning slightly.

"Did you break up?" 

Snape: I have nothing to say about this...

Tom: Don't they wear clothes anymore!

Draco: They were banned after the orgy.

Neville: It's a new fashion trend. Didn't you know?

Draco: Turns out Dumbles is a pervert.

Tom: I knew that...

Snape: We all knew that

Tom: Uncle Dumbles my ass... .o

** "Of course we are," said Harry quickly. "We were just a bit shocked."**

"But why are you here?" Ron persisted, still very confused.

"Well," said Hermione slowly, not sure how to break the news to them. "He…fainted."

"Why did he faint?" said Harry anxiously. "Is he sick?"

"No," Hermione was playing with the hem of her sleeve. "I told him some news – rather, Madame Pomfrey told him some news."

"What news?" they yelled, exasperated.

"I'm – I'm pregnant." 

Tom: -Ron- Hermione! You bitch! -Sob-

Snape: Cry a river...

Tom: -Ron- I'm going to become a Death Eater now!

Draco: I'm not working with the Weasel...

Neville: You weren't on Voldemort's side to begin with! I know your secrets! -points-

Snape: -slaps the back of his head-

Tom: I beg to differ. -Knowing smirk-

**Harry and Ron gaped at her with their mouths hanging wide open. Hermione watched a fly flutter into Ron's throat and die.**

"Well, can I be godfather?" said Harry, suddenly looking very excited.

"Yeah, me too, me too!" Ron squealed, jumping up and down like it was Christmas morning.

"I – guess," said Hermione, looking a little taken aback at their sudden mood changes.

"Hermione!" Hermione looked up to see Ginny walking down the stairs to the girls dorm and smiled.

"Why are you here?" Ginny asked her curiously.

Hermione decided to cut to the chase. "I'm pregnant with Hagrid's child." 

Snape: They're taking this rather well... o.O

Tom: They just had anther orgy.

Tom: I could walk in and they'd be friendly.

Snape: I can see it...

Draco: The Weaslette is pregnant with the Weasel's brat.

** "That's great!" exclaimed Ginny, giving her a hug. "I can't wait! When is it due?"**

"The end of June," said Hermione, happy that Ginny had not questioned her judgement. "You will be an honorary aunt, just like Harry and Ron."

"I'm going to be an aunt?" said Ginny dreamily.

"I'm going to be an aunt?" exclaimed Ron.

"Uncle," Hermione corrected him. "You too, Harry."

"Thanks, Hermione," said Harry, looking as though his birthday had come early.

"Group hug!" Ron yelled, and they all gathered together and embraced each other.

"I probably should be getting to bed, though," said Hermione, looking at the clock above the fireplace.

"You can share my bed," said Ginny. "Yours isn't there anymore."

Hermione shot her a grateful look, and they waved the boys goodbye as they ascended the marble staircase. 

Neville: Who yells "Group hug!" anymore? Even I'm not that lame.

Tom: -Fake happy voice- Group hug!

Tom: -Scoffs-

Snape: I wonder what would happen if I walked into class and yelled "Group Hug?"

Draco: Weasel is such a dork...

Neville: Don't...just...Don't.

Tom: The students would run in terror.

Tom: At least if it was you.

Tom: They'd make the mistake of hugging Dumbles.

Tom: -Shudders-

** "Professor?"**

Hargid jumped, his eyes searching wildly around for the speaker. Thankfully, it was from outside, and he scrambled for his clothes. He had been relieving his tension after a Gryffindor/Slytherin lesson, because he had been staring at his love throughout the whole lesson. He had gotten so excited that he dismissed the class quickly and went inside to repeat his last lesson with his hand.

He, fortunately, had managed to pull a robe on before the perpetrator entered and stared curiously at him.

"Wha are you doin' here, Malfoy?" Hagrid grunted. 

Snape: Dun dun duuuun.

Draco: Oh... Gods... NO!

Draco: -Curls up in the fetal position- Nyu… don't rape my perfectly tight virgin ass...

Tom: -Mutters- Virgin, _my_ ass…

Snape: oO

Tom: Luci must be so proud. 

Neville: I never knew you were into Hagrid!

Draco: I'm not! -Sobs-

Draco: I don't like this any more!

Snape: suck it up.

Tom: Says the blood Traitor.

Snape: Me?

Tom: Mudblood lover. Dressing her up as a hooker too. -Tuts-

** "Well," Malfoy started, walking slowly towards him and setting his books down on his big oak table. "I've been thinking. You know that sex ed lesson last week?"**

"Yea'," said Hagrid, shifting nervously from one foot to another and looking questioningly at him.

"Well, I saw how pleased Granger looked when you were – you know – doing it, and I wanted to try." Malfoy looked smugly at him and began to take off his robes, advancing slowly towards him. 

Snape: What would Lucius say?

Draco: -Points Wand at his head-

Tom: It's the only honorable thing to do...

Neville: You have to wait till the end

Draco: AVADA KADAVRA -Dies-

Tom: Good, we don't have to hear him crying.

Snape: Spoiled sport.

Tom: And what's with the timeline?

Neville: Eh?

Tom: First it was the same day, then months in the future, and now it was last week.

Neville: Dunno

**Hagrid's eyes bugged out of their sockets and rolled onto the floor. "I love 'Ermione," he said, searching on the floor for his eyeballs. "I would nev'r betray 'er like tha'."**

"I think you'll change your mind when you get some of this," Malfoy said, finally discarding his last article of clothing and standing proudly in front of him, his 'tool of trade' in full view. Truth be told, Hagrid was secretly disappointed. He had been told that Malfoy was excellent, but to him, he just looked scrawny.

Malfoy looked angry when Hagrid snorted. "It's not funny," he said, his hands on his hips in a very ladylike manner. "If I'm not satisfying enough, you come over here." 

Snape: Tom, revive Draco. I want him to witness this!

Tom: Would I be so cruel?

Tom: ...

Snape: Yes.

Tom: -revives Draco-

Draco: meh..?

Snape: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

Neville: OO

Draco: -Sees story- AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Draco: -Points wand again-

Neville: Take his wand!

Draco: Nyuu! TT

**Hagrid shook his head. "Nothing doing."**

Malfoy raised his eyebrows. "Oh yes you are," he said, getting his wand out of his robes that lay discarded on the floor. "Imperivus!"

Hagrid felt strangly light and airy. "_Take off your clothes_," said a wonderful voice. Hagrid immediately stripped carelessly tossing his robes to the side and eagerly waiting to hear that wonderful voice again.

"_Go get him_," said a voice inside his head. Hagrid smiled dreamily, and went over to Malfoy, putting his hands on his hips. He hesitated. This wasn't right.

"_Just do it_," said the voice, and Hagrid obeyed. Everything would be alright if he just listened to that voice. 

Snape: It's not Imperivus... -.-

Tom: Well, at least he did it the Slytherin way.

Neville: What would your father say?

Draco: -Rocking in his chair- Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy...

Snape: At least the idiot is leaving Hermione alone. ...Maybe in the story I sneak up and kill the kid.

Tom: He's losing it...

Snape: -hits Draco upside the head- Get over it!

**Malfoy screamed as Hagrid began, obviously not expecting him to be that big. Actually, Hagrid's was about the length of Malfoy's head. Malfoy screamed as Hagrid went on, smiling as if nothing were wrong.**

As they finished, Hagrid came out of his illusory trance and looked around, blinking.

"Wha' happened?" said Hargid stupidly, taking notice suddenly of his hands on Malfoys hips and part of his body inside Malfoy. 

Snape: ...

Draco: -Faints-

Neville: -twitch-

Tom: Wuss...

Tom: He killed Malfoy with his dick.

Tom: He's a pedophile, rapist, and a murder.

Tom: If I had known, I'd have gotten him to join my minions.

Snape: -snickers and pours water over Draco- Wake up Hagrid's bitch.

Draco: Nyu, Daddy... .O

** "That was great," said Malfoy, panting and pulling away from him, revealing very sore and red cheeks. "We must do it again sometime."**

"Wha' did you make me do?" Hagrid roared, although he had already figured it out at that point. "Get out of my cabin!"

Malfoy smirked at him as he exited, his robes flung on a few seconds before. Hagrid stood, dumfounded, looking after him as he walked haughtily towards the castle, apparently very pleased with himself. Hagrid stood in the doorway for a countless number of minutes before he put on his clothes and rushed over to see Hermione, determined to make this nightmare end. 

Tom: He wouldn't have been able to walk...

Tom: Especially Haughtily...

Snape: No. Surely in the real world he'd be dead.

Tom: Damn Magic...

Neville: He'd at least be limping.

Draco: TT

Tom: That's just creepy...

Snape: -shudder-


	3. Darkness forever

_(Disclaimer: We, the Bad Things, are relieved to inform you that we do not own these stories. However, we are sad to say we don't own any of the other characters (Namely JK's) either. Life's a bitch, huh?)_

**Chapter I: A Blind Angel**

It was a sunny day. It was August. Harry was looking at Phineas Nigelus's picture in his room at Grimauld Place. He was thinking of Sirius... 

Snape: Aw...He misses his lover...

Neville: Godfather!

Tom: He Kept Talking. About Nothing. At All.

Draco: He was remembering the way Sirius would ride him.

Tom: Beastility.

Snape: All night long...

Neville: Stop it! -clamps hands over ears-

Tom: While the werewolf watched.

**Members of the order wouldn't let him go out. It was dangerous to be all by yourself in the street when Voldmort was eager to kill you. So Harry was left alone with his pain. He was alone with it all summer. Not that Ron and Hermione left him, no: but he preferred not to speak to them. He knew they wouldn't understand him: he couldn't confess them he felt guilty for Sirius dying. He hated himself. Well, like if he had a choice.**

There was a knock on the door, then Hermione entered. 

Tom: ... Voldemort.. There's a 'e' there...

Tom: -Hermione- Harry! Stop Playing with yourself while thinking of Sirius!

Snape: Better not be whoring to Potter...

Neville: Get over it! ...Er...Sir...

Snape: Oh wrong...I have to teach him, you know!

** "Harry, you can't stay here for ever! Come out!"**

"No, Hermione, I... I really don't feel like... my head aches."

"You don't expect me to buy that, do you?"

"Look, I just don't feel like talking to anyone right now, so..." 

Draco: -Harry- So put your mouth to better use.

Tom: Harry's too busy being emo. Again.

** "Harry, you'll have to face the reality someday! We are going back to Hogwarts tomorrow! And if you don't remember, there was an article about Sirius, what he did, how he saved you... They said you stated in our third year that he was innocent, they are making suppositions! Harry, do you think the students will leave you alone!" **

Tom: > 

Draco: This isn't America.

Neville: So?

Tom: American Mary Sues are the worst...

Snape: Agreed.

**Harry shrugged... He indeed asked Dumbeldore to do something to clear Sirius's name. He was glad when he saw the article in The Prophet. He didn't care what will happen to him. He wanted the whole world to know how wrong they were about Sirius. It was the only way he could make it up to Sirius.**

"Better later..." he said after a while, "I don't feel like seeing Mrs. Weasley, Tonks or anyone who knew Sirius." 

Snape: Why would it matter if Black was cleared? He's dead.

Tom: Hate to break it to ya, but Everyone knew Sirius.

Tom: Some more than others -Looks at Snape-

Snape: What?

Tom: Like you don't know.

Tom: Snivellus

Snape: -flushes- I hate you.

Tom: -Smiles-

**"Well then, Ron's father is bringing today along a new girl from the USA. She will come with us to Hogwarts."**

"Oh, Hermione! I don't want to see anyone, don't you understand? I want to be ALONE!"

"Harry, Mrs. Weasley said you should come and meet her. This is elementary policy."

"Oh, all right. When is she coming?" Hermione checked her watch. "Well... in 5 minutes?" 

Tom: Told you she was American!

Snape: The see-all Tom Riddle.

Neville: What's elementary policy?

Tom: She made it up.

Neville: Thought so. I like this fic!

Snape: You did not just say that. IT'S A MARY-SUE

Draco: You would.

Tom: Simple fics for simple minds.

Snape: -sighs-

** "Oh, all right, I'll go down. You won't leave me alone anyway, will you?"**

"Three guesses."

When they came down, the front door burst open and Mr. Weasley entered. He was caring a medium size trunk. "Hello there!" he said cheerfully. "May I introduce you to miss Alexandra Blamez?" 

Tom: Her name already gives me a headache...

Snape: -in a thick accent- Alexandra Blamez...

Draco: That's a stupid last name.

Draco: Almost as stupid as Longbottom.

Neville: Hey!

Neville: It's better than having Draco as a first name!

**A young girl entered the room. She had black wavy hair, which cascaded on her shoulders, sapphire blue eyes, oval-shaped face. She was of medium height. Alexandra had a nice body and a charming smile. She looked so innocent, so childish. But Harry felt that something was wrong with her. The next moment he realized what.**

She was blind. 

Snape: -groans- Not another blind Mary-Sue

Tom: Blind people don't have Sapphire Blue eyes.

Tom: They have white eyes or light blue eyes.

Draco: You dumbass, writer.

Neville: I still think Draco's a dumb name. -sticks out tongue-

Snape: Ten points from Gryffindor. We've passed that.

** "Hi" she said, looking at the wall. Harry just noticed that she was holding a stick in her hand.**

"Hi" replied Hermione, Ron and Harry.

A door burst open and Ginny emerged into the hall.

"Hi! You must be Alexandra." 

Tom: ... Cane. It's a Cane.

Tom: You can beat people with it.

Neville: I like that phrase. A stick.

Draco: Oh look. Weaselette already knows her name.

Draco: Who thinks they're going to BBFs for life? -Rolls eyes-

Snape: Three guesses. And the first two don't count.

Neville: Who?

** "Yes, and you are...?"**

"Ginny."

"Ginny, nice to meet you. And who are these other people?"

"These are Harry, Hermione and my brother Ron," replied Ginny, before the trio could even open their mouth. 

Tom: I'd believe that.

Tom: She just talks and talks and talks.

Tom: I did not want to know about her first period! > 

Draco: ...

Snape: I have no comments...

Neville: Period?

Tom: ... Moving on...

**Alexandra approached Hermione. Harry noticed, that she had no difficulties in walking. As if she could see. She greeted Hermione, and then the same with Harry, Ron and Ginny. And then silence fell. Ron was the first to break it:**

"How come you orientate so good if you are blind?" he asked. 

Draco: Even though she's blind, she can still find her way to a completely silent person.

Draco: Aw, the Weasel used a big word.

Tom: -Twitch- So... Good... >.o Grammar...

Snape: How...Come...?

Snape: I wanna beat him with a grammer book.

Neville: Did you just say wanna?

Snape: Grrrr

**Hermione gave him a sharp look, but the girl smiled and answered: "I may not see, but all my other senses are very well developed. If God ever takes something away from you, He gives you something instead. My case. I can't see. But by touching, smelling and hearing, I notice more than some people who do have the ability to see. And I have something like the sixth sense. I just feel things, foresee, if you like. We**

ll, enough about me. Tell me about yourselves. What grades did you get in OWLs?" 

Tom: ... God... She's a Christian, I knew it. > 

Snape: I was about to comment on that...

Neville: What's wrong with them?

Draco: ...

Snape: Crappy author

Tom: You never had to grow up in a Orphanage. -- In the 1940's...

Snape: I feel for you.

Neville: Huh? I don't get it.

Tom: I'll demonstrate later.

** "Hermione, of course, had only Os. Harry and I got Os in Potions Es in Transfiguration, Es in Charms and Os in DADA. These are the most important, because the rest are useless if you want to be an Auror. And what about you?"**

"Oh, I have been tested by a special committee at the Ministry and I was aloud to go into the sixth year. I am also going to be an Auror, so we'll be meeting in our NEWT classes." 

Tom: Allowed... --

Tom: I wish all the Auror's were blind. It'd be so much easier.

Draco: Yeah. There's a reason there's no Blind Aurors.

Snape: -nods-

Neville: -snore-

** "Great. Um... look, I just remember, I have to finish a Potion essay. Snape will take off my head if I don't give it to him. See you later." And ignoring Hermione's dirty looks, he went up to his room. He heard Hermione's voice from the Hall: "Just ignore him. Better tell us about the USA. When he entered his room, he shut the door and threw himself on the bed. A blind girl at Hogwarts! Well, at least something new. **

Snape: I'll take off your head anyway...

Tom: Blind at Hogwarts isn't new. --

Tom: In fact, there was this one girl in my time...

Neville: Do I have to hear the old guy flashback?

Draco: Another perverted flashback brought to you by Mr. Riddle.

Tom: -kills Neville- Now where was I...?

**There was a quiet knock on Harry's door.**

"Don't you think that half an hour isn't enough to write an essay!" he yelled.

The door opened. But it was not Hermione this time. It was Alexandra. "Sorry for disturbing your thoughts, but it is more probable that I am a ballet dancer than that you are writing now an essay. I know you want to be alone. Hermione told me about your godfather. I am sorry." 

Neville: It's really none of her business.

Draco: ... She found her way up to Potter's room?

Tom: She has superpowers like Dobby.

Snape: I say she's not really blind.

Snape: It's all a conspiracy.

Tom: By the Author.

Snape: Oh yes.

** "Th...thanks..." he said uncertain. "Look, I don't want to be rude, but I...I really want to be alone. So, would you... would you please leave...?" "Harry, I know how you feel. I... I passed through worse. And it didn't break me... Well, I guess I should leave..." **

Tom: She was raped, I bet.

Draco: By her asshole Father.

Neville: I'VE BEEN THROUGH WORSE THAN ALL YOU!

Tom: No you haven't.

Snape: oO

Tom: Orpanage. Dead Mother and Asshole father... Uncle Dumbles...

Snape: Longbottom's gone a bit psycho. Moving on!

Snape: Uncle Dumbles...-shudder-

**Something in the expression of her face made him change his mind. "No, wait. Come here. Close the door, please." He noticed that she became sad, defenseless. She was no longer that strong, sure of herself girl, that loved this life. She was different. 'Sit near me." he said in a low voice. She obeyed, without saying a word. Harry caught a glimpse of her eyes. They didn't see the world. They were the mirror of her soul. He saw that she hardly suppressed tears. The eyes were full of pain and sufferings. He took her hand in his. He felt that she needed to confess somebody everything. He was glad that it could be him. "What happened to you?" he asked. "I regret so much that I can't look into your eyes. I know they are of emerald green," she said unexpectedly. Harry raised her head in such a way, that she was looking into his eyes. "Imagine that you are looking into them, because I am looking into yours." She suddenly freed her hand from his and did something he wasn't expecting. With both her hands she touched his face, as if wanting to feel his every feature. Then she outlined his scar. She trembled slightly when she did so. **

Snape: Then they make passionate love on the bed. Blah blah blah.

Tom: Wow, Potter's fast at analyzing someone he met, what, thirty minutes ago?

Neville: What happens next? -excited-

Snape: -stare-

Tom: This is the closest thing to sex he's getting.

** "Now I see you," she said with a smile. "And I know everything... you feel guilty for Sirius dying. But you should learn that it is not your fault. Don't blame yourself for not listening to Hermione. But don't blame Snape either. The only guilty one is Bellatrix Lestrange..."**

"Wait, how did you know about my feelings...I didn't confess them to anyone, even Hermione." "No matter. You shouldn't blame yourself..." 

Snape: So now she's psychic too?

Tom: It's not that hard to figure out, Potter.

Draco: Hero types always blame themselves.

Tom: The morons.

Neville: Blind people can't see others by feeling them...

** "How come you know! I insisted that we went there! I believed that dream! Because of me..."**

"Harry," Alexandra interrupted, "you are not guilty. Voldmort would get you go there anyway. And you didn't know it was so important for you to learn Occlumenicy. Don't blame yourself. You did what you thought was the best. You thought Snape was trying to soften you for Voldmort. You thought you'd save Sirius if you went to the ministry. You've made a mistake, but you are not guilty..." 

Tom: VoldEmort. E!

Draco: Get you go? WTF?

Snape: It's not Occlumenicy...

Tom: He's a dumbass but he's not guilty.

** "Because of my mistake Sirius died!" he cried at the top of his voice. "If I practiced, if I listened to Hermione, if I didn't believe..."**

"You can as well blame Dumbledore for not telling you about the prophecy, Sirius for going to save you, Lupin for not dueling with Lestrange... But you don't, right? It is Voldmort's fault, Lestrange's, but not yours," she said sternly.

"If I listened to Hermione, if I didn't believe..." 

Neville: How does she know all this?

Snape: She's known Potter for thirty minutes and she knows his life story.

Tom: If I had this, if I had that. Stop emoing already...

Draco: She's a stalker working for Voldie here.

Snape: A blind on your ranks, Tom? She's your new bitch, isn't she?

Tom: You least expect the blind to betray you. But not her. I'd kill her for even asking.

Tom: I don't trust Mary Sues. > 

Snape: Wise man.

Neville: What's wrong with them?

Snape: -stare-

Tom: -Smacks Neville-

** "If Dumbledore has told you, if Sirius hadn't gone to rescue you, if somebody else dueled Bellatrix... there are too many ifs for you to blame yourself, Harry."**

"And in the end..." "...you'll have to kill Voldmort. I know. I read it when I touched your scar. That scar is like a door into your mind, but I doubt anyone except me can read it." 

Snape: Ah...She's a scar reader.

Tom: -Mary Sue- Because I'm special and your hidden soul mate!

Snape: That makes perfect sense -Sarcasm-

Draco: Freaky Scar Toucher...

Neville: -laughs-

** "Why?" he asked astonished.**

"Some day, later, I'll tell you how I got blind. I want you to know that, whatever happens, I'll always be near you. You can count on me."

"Thanks", he said, looking into her eyes. He felt that she might be the only person who understands him, his fury against himself, and the only one he can tell the slightest detail. 

Tom: ... How I got blind...

Neville: Feel the angst.

Snape: It's how I became blind.

Draco: She's a stalker.

** "Tell me," he asked quietly, "what happened to you? Why are you so sad? Who hurt you?"**

"Has Dumbledore never told you?"

"What?"

"My parents were murdered. By Voldmort. I was one. I lived with my sister." 

Tom: Of Course Dumbles never told him. He just met you, dumbass.

Neville: -scowls- I was about to say that.

Snape: Longbottom make an intelligent observation for once.

Tom: And I wouldn't bother killing her. I'd get one of the newbies to waste their time with it.

Draco: Had to happen sometimes.

Tom: Statistically speaking.

** "I'm sorry. But it is better than living with the Dursleys, I guess. At least your sister loves you."**

"Yeah. She does. And I feel sorry, for she has always has to take care of me and to neglect herself. But she is very strong. She pasted through awful things, and they didn't break her. You have to be really strong and to have a very kind heart to pass through what she did and remain as good as she is."

"You both had a hard life, hadn't you?" 

Tom: Had to take care... She glued through awful things?

Draco: I think she meant lived.

Tom: Pasted... Lived... How the hell can you confuse them?

Snape: -looks at Tom- Tom...

Snape: I'm bored. Come shag me.

Neville: O.O

Tom: No, you betrayed me, bitch.

Tom: Your loss...

Snape: I see how it is...

Tom: -Smirk-

Tom: If you make it up to me, I may...

Snape: Forget it now. Hermione will be glad to do it.

Neville: -groans-

Tom: The mudblood won't give you the satisfaction of murdering the Mary Sue.

Tom: And Torturing the Mary Sue.

Snape: No...But pretty damn close.

** "Yes, we had..." she said and suddenly started crying. Harry took her hand into his and asked softly: "What happened? It's not just Voldmort, right? There is something else?"**

"When I was 13, I wasn't blind yet," she said sobbing. Tears were falling from her eyes. "Once I met a guy at the bus station. It was raining, and I had no umbrella. He offered to help me go home. Since then we started dating. But one day, I overheard him talking to a friend. He said some Lyane shouldn't worry about me, because he only wants a one-night stand. Oh, Harry, you have no idea how much it hurt." 

Tom: -Rolls eye-

Snape: -in a high pitched voice- Oh! He just wanted to use me! Oh! Pity! Oh Woe!

Neville: It should be illegal for you to do that.

Draco: Of course he only wanted to use you.

Tom: They always want to use the pretty ones. Damn you Uncle Dumbles...

Draco: ... Moving on...

Snape: Bad images...

** "Did he get what he wanted?"**

"Do I look like an idiot?"

She was crying. He embraced her. She was looking so defenseless, so fragile.

"Don't worry. Nothing will ever happen to you. I'll protect you."

"From destiny?"

"If necessary, yes." 

Tom: -Gags-

Neville: Kill me, Tom.

Snape: Allow me.

Snape: -kills him-

** "Harry, I..."**

"Don't say anything. I understand."

"I understand you too," she whispered. 

Tom: Urge to kill... rising...

Snape: Fuck each other already! Save me.

**In the night Harry couldn't sleep. He felt like he was needed somewhere, but he didn't understand where. Finally, he put on his dressing gown and went to the fourth floor. He knocked quietly on the door. He thought he heard somebody crying. "Alexandra?" he asked in a whisper. There was no answer. He entered the room. He saw her sitting on the bed, her head on her knees. Her hands were embracing her knees. She was indeed crying. "Alexandra?" he called again. She raised her head, staring somewhere at the wall. Her eyes were red. "Harry, I'm sorry I just..." She broke off. The next second he was near, hugging her. "What's wrong, angel?" Harry asked, not knowing why he called her that. She was, indeed, an angel. She didn't answer. She was sitting in his arms like that, crying. He pulled her to his chest. He was so sad that she was crying. But for the first time in all summer he felt he was needed...and that he needed somebody. Her. His angel. She soon fell asleep. Carefully, not to disturb her, he stood up, pulled the covering over her, put her head on the pillow and quietly went out. **

Neville: How sweet.

Snape: Is that sarcasm?

Draco: How sickening.

Tom: How Vomit inducing.

Snape: -zones out- Oh Hermione, how pretty you are with your hair fanned out on the pillows-

Tom: ... -Smacks Snape-

Snape: What was that for!

Tom: You were drooling

Snape: I was not!

**He couldn't fall asleep for a long time. He was thinking about her. Their talk has definitely brought her unpleasant memories. He understood what meant to be disappointed by the one you love. He was disappointed in Cho too. He loved her. And she never understood him. She disapproved of Hermione, his best friend, his adviser... Hermione... He has never really realized it, but after Sirius dying, Hermione was the closest person to him. He actually loved her. She was charming, clever, she tried to understand him. No. Hermione would never love him the way he loved her. She considered him a brother. His love could spoil their friendship... **

Tom: Great, a love triangle.

Neville: This does not bode well.

Draco: Snape, your Mudblood hooker is cheating again.

Snape: She's not a hooker. And she's not cheating!

Neville: Yes she is.

**Wait. He was thinking about Alexandra. He definitely liked her. She was strong, but yet so fragile, beautiful, but blind, clever, but childish... She'd be a good friend. He fell asleep, thinking of her charming smile. He definitely thought that she was the friend he needed. She'd take Hermione's place and Hermione... Hermione will take Cho's. She was the girl he loved.**

Or at least, that was what he thought. 

Snape: Oh HELL no.

Snape: -stands up- I'll kill him.

Tom: This is why Love is bad.

Tom: And I kill Potter.

Tom: You kill the Sue.

Snape: Sue killings!

Neville: You're too happy about that

**Chapter II: Disappointment**

In the morning Harry was awakened by Mrs. Weasley's shouts: "You lot come down here this instance, or I'll wake you up myself. And you won't like it!".

Harry and Ron crawled out of their bed with no real desire.

"Shish!" said Ron, "Why does she always have to scream and scare me half to death!" 

Tom: She's trying to kill you.

Snape: Because children don't listen without screams

Tom: You're all horrid children and she wants to run off to some island.

Neville: I'm not horrid

** "Forget it, mate," said Harry, his mind still on Hermione.**

They all went down to the kitchen to have breakfast. In the hall somebody caught Harry's hand. He looked up. It was Alexandra.

"Hi! I'm sorry for last night." 

Snape: How did she find his hand?

Tom: She's taller than him.

Draco: She's the Sue. She can do anything and everything.

Snape: How could I forget that?

Snape: I'll hide in her room tonight...Then after killing her...I'll sneak in and steal away my Her---- -notices the looks he's getting-

** "It's OK," he said, patting her on the shoulder. "You needn't apologize." She smiled. The smile made her look even more beautiful. They entered the kitchen together. He helped her reach her seat, withdrew the chair, brought her a plate and then went to his seat. She smiled to him over the table.**

"I am no handicap. I could have done it myself."

"I know," he replied, "but it is a pleasure to take care of you."

"Thanks," she smiled again. 

Draco: How can she smile over at him if she can't see him? > 

Tom: The power of the Sue is strong in this one...

Snape: -falls out of chair-

Tom: -Smug-

Neville: -raises eyebrow-

** "Anything to see you smile." She laughed.**

It was then that Hermione emerged into the room. She was wearing jeans that outlined her beautiful legs and a yellow T-shirt that passed so good to the color of her eyes. She was divine.

"Hi!" she said to the crowd of people sitting at the table.

"Morning, Hermione!" they all answered. The only free sit for her was near Harry. Harry held his breath. When she sat by his side, he could feel her beautiful perfume.

"Had a good sleep, Hermione?" he asked. 

Draco: Why does that family like to yell?

Tom: It's like a Kid's show... >.o

Tom: They'll start singing soon...

Snape: The hills are alive with music!

Neville: OO

Tom: What have I told you about that?

Tom: You're not a Soprano. You're a tenor.

Snape: -hangs head- It just burst out of me...

Snape: But I can sing soprano...When Hermio-----Oh...-shuts up-

**But she didn't get the chance to answer. Mrs. Weasley emerged into the kitchen.**

"What! You lot still not finished? Wanna miss the train? Leave the breakfast to hell, or you will certainly reach Hogwarts by this time next year."

So they all, unwillingly, left the kitchen and went to get their bags. Ron was the one to bring Alexandra's (they all thought she couldn't do it herself). In about 15 minutes they were of to the station (of course, with half of members of the Order escorting them, much to Harry's annoyance). 

Tom: What she said... makes no sense...

Neville: Leave the breakfast to hell? Eh?

Snape: Crucio the author.

Tom: No, Crucio her english teacher.

Snape: That too.

Snape: Though the kid's probably like all the rest and just doesn't pay attention in class!

Tom: You're bitterness is showing.

Snape: Is it that obvious?

**They got to the King's Cross 4 minutes before the train left. They hurriedly said good-bye to everyone and jumped on the train. They found an empty compartment and soon were joined by Neville and Luna. Harry had noticed something strange about those two, but his thoughts were focused on Hermione. To everybody's surprise Alexandra took out a book. She then touched it with a wand and whispered an incantation. Then her fingers started gliding along the pages.**

"Um... sorry, Alexandra, but how can you... um... read?" asked Harry hesitantly.

"It's a special charm I put on the book. And if I touch the word, it sort of appears in my mind. I have found a way to read." 

Neville: They had to jump? Why not take the stairs?

Tom: It's called Braille, Jackass.

Snape: Dear God in Heaven!

Tom: What?

Snape: The Braille thing...-hangs head-

Tom: ... I didn't know you were afraid of tiny little dots.

Snape: -glares- ...I'm not! ...

** "What spell is it?" Hermione asked eagerly.**

"It's called..."

Just then the compartment door slid open. They all fell silent and turned their heads. Draco Malfoy, Harry's worst enemy, was staying in the doorway. There was a smirk on his face.

"Well-well, if it isn't the famous Harry Potter. And the Mudblood. And Weasels. Tell me, Potty, how's your scar feeling? Have found out all of the dark Lord's plans? Got mail from Black?"

Alexandra stood up. She was shaking with rage. 

Tom: Ah, anything to keep the author from making an original spell.

Neville: Why is she standing up? It's none of her business

Snape: Oh the drama!

Draco: Why am I talking like a common schoolyard Bully?

Tom: Because you are to her.

Neville: Buuuurn...

Tom: Could be worse. She could end up having a crush on you.

Draco: -Shudders-

** "Get out of here this instance!" she said in a furious tone.**

"Well-well, and who do we have here?" Malfoy asked in a sarcastic voice, eyeing her up and down.

"Alexandra Blamez, _not_ pleased to meet you."

"Oh, are you blind? Now I understand why you teamed up with the trio. You can't see their so ugly faces."

"Thanks God I'm blind and I can't see yours." 

Snape: It's instant, not instance...

Tom: -Sue- Or I'll Look weak And defenceless at you!

Draco: Oh, and look how witty she is. 99

** "You know, you'd be welcome in my company. You are pretty nice. I don't think Potter managed to spoil you too much. And even if he has, we can fix that," he said with a nasty smile.**

"I'm blind, not mind congealed,...what is your name?"

"Malfoy, Draco for you."

"Good , Malfoy," she said, taking out her wand, "or you get out this instance, or I'll throw you out." 

Tom: -Author- Then she fired a spell at Malfoy but, being blind, hit Neville instead.

Draco: Like I'd flirt with vermin like that. Probably a mudblood or a Blood Traitor.

Snape: Hm.

Snape: Bet she's a pureblood.

Draco: Then she's a Blood Traitor.

**Malfoy took his wand out, but before he could even raise it, Alexandra screamed: "Rictusempra!" Malfoy flew out of the compartment. Crabbe and Goyle ran out by themselves, grabbed Draco and where out of sight. Alexandra slammed the door and went back to her seat. Even though she had to use a stick, Harry noticed how easy she orientated in space. The others were just sitting there, with their mouths open. The first one to break the silence was Ginny:**

"Poor Malfoy! A girl hasn't turned him down since he started playing for the Slytherin quidditch team... but, I guess, he only asked slytherin girls out." 

Neville: So now they're in space?

Draco: -Scoff- They ask me. Not that the Weaselette whore ever got asked out.

Neville: A new sitcom :Hogwarts in Space:

Tom: Yes, Longbottom. They're floating around.

Snape: Gah.

Tom: She uses her stick to hit air so she knows where she's floating.

** "Poor, poor boy. I can hardly sustain myself not to cry," Alexandra replied sarcastically. They all burst out laughing. The rest of their journey was uneventful and by the time the sun had set, they arrived at Hogwarts.**

Harry helped Alexandra get down from the train, while Hermione was carrying her trunk with a Levitation Charm.

"Firs' yea', firs' yea', here please!" Harry heard Hagrid call the new students.

"C'mon," Harry said, "I'll introduce you to Hagrid." They approached the giant. "Hagrid, this is Alexandra. Alexandra, Hagrid." 

Tom: She got Hagrid's accent wrong. -.-

Snape: I noticed that.

Neville: I hope Hagrid doesn't traumatize the girl with sex ed.

Draco: -Curls up- The Horror...

Snape: -snickers-

** "Nice to meet you." She stretched out her hand. There was a charming smile on her lips. He squeezed it lightly. "Should I go with Hagrid?" she asked Harry. "Dunno. I guess, yes. See you at the ceremony." And with those words he departed to join Ron, Hermione, Luna, Neville and Ginny at the carriages.**

They all entered the Great Hall and sat at the Griffindor table. 'I hope Alexandra gets sorted into Griffindor,' Harry thought. 'I'll keep my fingers crossed.' 

Tom: You know she will. She's a moron like the rest of you.

Snape: Yes, go with Hagrid. he'll show you a good time. -retch-

Draco: -Shivers- the pain...

Snape: Bwaha

Snape: All mary-sues get in gryffindor...you noticed that?

Tom: Or Slytherin...

Snape: Yep

Tom: Depending who they're torturing.

Neville: There's nothing wrong with Hufflepuff.

Tom: You poor Deluded fool...

** "Haven't they found a new DADA teacher?" asked Hermione, noticing the empty chair.**

"Dunno. I just hope Snape isn't teaching," Ron replied.

The three of them grinned: Snape has been wanting that job for centuries.

The Sorting Ceremony began, but Harry wasn't watching it. He was staring at Hermione. She was so beautiful, smiling, talking to people. God, how could he love anyone like that?

He was snatched out of his thoughts when Dumbledore stood up and addressed to the pupils: 

Tom: -Dumbles- I have Lemon Sherbert... Oops! I dropped it in my pants, who wants to go get it?

Snape: Good God! -gags-

Snape: You're wrong, Tom!

Tom: -Stares- Uncle Dumbles strikes again.

Neville: Keep your traumatized past to yourself!

** "This year we have an abnormal event at the ceremony." 'Yeah,' thought Harry, 'as abnormal as Alexandra.' Dumbledore continued: "We will be joined by a girl who comes from the USA. She is 16, therefore she will attend the classes with the sixth years. Now she will be sorted into one of the Houses. Miss Blamez, would you please come here."**

When she emerged into the Great Hall with the walking stick, there was a murmur along the tables. "What's wrong with her? Is she blind?" Alexandra carefully sat on the chair and professor McGonagall placed the Sorting Hat on the girl's head. The Hat fell silent for a minute, then shouted: "Griffindor!" 

Tom: Of course.

Snape: Walking sticks are for old people...

Tom: The Author's really a 90 year old muggle woman.

Snape: -shudder-

** "YEEES!" screamed Harry, while the rest were applauding loudly. She came to the Griffindor table, where Harry, Ron and Hermione where waiting for her. Alexandra sat near Harry. At his other side was sitting Hermione, and Ron near her. They all congratulated her. Dumbledore rose:**

"Let the feast begin!" he proclaimed, and immediately the tables were filled with food. Harry put on Alexandra's place some potatoes and bacon. And later a piece of chocolate pie. He took care of her. She needed him. 

Tom: And, of course, she found her way all by herself.

Snape: -harry- Yeeees! Oh Hagrid! More! MORE!

Tom: -Author- Harry even began feeding her because she's so blind and helpless.

Neville: You're wrong in the head...

Tom: I've been told that.

Neville: Not you. Snape. But so are you.

**When everybody had their stomachs full, Dumbledore rose again: "Welcome to our new students, welcome back to the old ones. I wish to inform the newcomers that the Forbidden Forest is forbidden! I'd ask our old students to remember that too... Now, Mr. Filch asked me to remind you that there is no magic aloud in the corridors, as well as no dungbombs. The complete list of the prohibited objects can be viewed at Mr. Filch's office. And now to the events of Ju..." **

Tom: Dun Dun Dun!11!

Snape: There are no events in June or July...

**Just then the door burst opened. A beautiful young lady entered the Hall. She was dressed in black robes. She had long-straight black hair that was gathered in a pony-tail. Her eyes were green: green, as emeralds, as green as Harry's eyes. The face was oval-shaped. Her lips had the color of rose petals. Her body was hid by the robes, but even so Harry realized that she had a very beautiful body. She was extremely gorgeous. She reminded him of somebody. Suddenly, he realized of whom: Alexandra. **

Tom: -Rolls eyes-

Neville: The plot thickens

Draco: ...Two Sues... that looks exactly alike...

Tom: ... I'll be right back... -Leave-

Snape: How can it get better? -sarcasm-

Draco: I think he went to go vomit...

Neville: I don't doubt it.

** "Sorry for being late, Dumbledore," she said with a smile.**

"It's all right, Ivy. I would like to introduce you our new DADA teacher, miss Ivy Crystal."

The Great Hall exploded with applauses. Ivy smiled to them and proceeded to her place at the Professor's table. 

Draco: Ivy... Crystal... Sickening... > 

Snape: Why can't it be me?

Draco: Look at it this way. Stuff always happens to the DADA teacher. Maybe she'll die a horrible death.

Snape: -smiles-

Neville: Why are you smiling? Stop smiling! -Freaks out-

**Dumbledore continued: "This June we lost a very good man, Sirius Black, who we – the magical community – have haunted so much. He died dueling a Death Eater. The Ministry didn't believe Harry Potter at the end of his third year that Black was innocent, and the consequences of this was the death of a great man. Let us never forget that a person is innocent until his guilt has been proven. Now, I would ask the prefects to lead the students to their dormitories."**

Everyone stood up. Everyone, except Harry. He was still gazing at the floor. Sirius... he has found him just to loose him again, he... 

Neville: We all haunted him?

Draco: Idiot writer...

Snape: That makes no sense...

Tom: Back. Whadda I miss? -Is holding a muggle plastic bag-

Snape: -gets up and shoves Tom right back out- I need stress relief

. 

Tom: -Crucio's Snape-

Snape: -twitches-

Draco: What's in the bag?

Neville: Candy!

Tom: Lots and Lots of nyquil...

Neville: Aw.

Tom: Don't worry. It's just as good as candy. You see pretty things when you drink a whole bottle.

Tom: -Starts drinking-

Neville: ooooo

** "Harry..." somebody lightly touched his shoulder. He looked up. It was Alexandra. "Let's go." He looked into her eyes. He realized that she knew that he was thinking of Sirius. He took her hand.**

"C'mon," he said, "I'll show you the way to your dormitory."

"Thanks," she said, and they silently walked out of the Great Hall. 

Snape: -gets up- She can't think of Sirius. She didn't know him!

Tom: -Finishes off a bottle- -Dazed look-

Tom: Hey, it's all good...

Snape: Shall I try again, Tom? Help me with stress relief.

Draco: ... And the Dark Lord is Officially Stoned...

Tom: It's all good... -Dazed look-

Neville: I wanna try...

Tom: -Throws bag at Neville-

Snape: -gets up and drags Tom out the room with him-

Tom: -Passing by something- Oh, Shiny...

Snape: No! Resist! Come with me!

**He left Alexandra at the door of her dormitories, and then went to his own. He saw that Ron was still not there, but the truth was that he has seen neither Ron, nor Hermione since he left the feast. They both had evaporated from the Great Hall. 'Maybe they just remained to talk to some friends,' Harry thought.**

He was thinking of Sirius when he went to bed. Dumbledore's speech brought back so many memories. Here Sirius was fighting one hundred dementors, then he remembered studying the family tree together... 

Neville: Snape's kind of sad in a desperate sort of way.

Snape: I heard that! 1000 points from you!

Tom: -Outside- What are you going to do with that?

Draco: Cover your virgin ears, Neville.

Snape: -evil laugh- You'll see...

Neville: -looks sick-

Draco: -Sweatdrops-

** "Oh, Sirius," Harry whispered through tears, "I miss you so much..."**

He then fell asleep, his pillow wet of tears...

When the next morning he descended the stairs, he saw Ron and Hermione, laughing in the Common Room.

"What are you guys so happy about anyway?" Harry asked. 

Draco: They're planning your death and it amuses them.

Neville: That's not amusing! I like Harry!

Draco: This isn't Harry though. The Mary Sue has killed the real Potter and replaced him with this one.

Neville: It's all good, then.

**They both blushed and looked at the floor, then Hermione rose her eyes and said with a happy smile:**

"Oh, Harry, Ron asked me out yesterday, and I accepted..." She was grinning happily. Harry felt his inner world turn upside down. He felt jealous, but knew it was his fault: he should have asked her out earlier.

"Oh, great guys," he tried to pretend being happy, "I knew that was coming. Sorry, but I'll go get Alexandra, she might need help." 

Draco: -Harry- The Angst! The Horror! THE EMO!

Neville: Snape'll be pissed.

Draco: He's too distracted now... 

Neville: So we don't tell him about it?

Draco: It'll be more amusing when he finds out on his own.

Neville: Ah. -looks around- I don't want to be around when he does. >.>

**And ignoring Hermione's protest that he could go into the Girl's Dormitories, he flew up the stairs and busted into the room. Luckily, there was only Alexandra. She was combing her hair.**

"Who is there?" she asked in a slightly alarmed voice.

"Alex..." he started, and then broke of. He ran to her, flung his arms around her waist and put his head on her belly. He was crying. She petted him on the head, caressed his hair and then asked mildly: 

Draco: Damn, she's really tall!

Neville: Petted?

Draco: Like the dog he is.

Neville: -snicker-

Draco: ...

Neville: So Hermione said that boys COULD go into the girl's dormitory?

Draco: You laughed at a Gryffindor bashing joke...

Draco: We're rubbing off on you...

** "Hermione?" He nodded, unable to speak through tears. She felt him nod.**

First he lost Sirius, now Hermione. He had so many plans, so many illusions. And now all that was ruined. He wanted not to cry, but couldn't. He was too disappointed.

Life disappointed him too much. 

Neville: -shakes head- No no no no!

Neville: Harry never HAD Hermione.

Draco: So emo...

Snape: -bursts through the doors looking thoroughly satisfied. He walks back to his seat- What did I miss?

Tom: -Stumbles back in, falls into his seat, falls asleep-

Neville: ...

Snape: Shhhh. The Dark Lord's sleeping.

**Chapter III: My Friend**

When Harry calmed down a bit, he sat near Alexandra. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, her silky black hair lightly touching his face and neck.

"You love Hermione, don't you?" she broke the silence.

"Yeah..." 

Draco: Wait for it...

Snape: -scowl-

Draco: Damn... Hoping it would more explosive than that...

Snape: I missed something, didn't I?

Neville: I think he's catching on.

Draco: Wait for it... 

Snape: ...I...Hey! -flips through pages- HERMIONE'S WITH WHO!

Snape: I'll kill him! I'll kill that Weasley bastard!

Tom: -Starts- Meh...? -Wakes up-

** "Look, Harry, I understand that you are disappointed, but... uh... you...are you sure you love her?"**

"What do you mean?" he asked astonished.

"Maybe you self-convinced yourself that you love her. She was the person closest to you after Sirius die. She tried to help you through... Maybe she just became a very close friend, and you took it for being love?" 

Neville: You've woken the Dark Lord. ...

Draco: Self Convinced...

Snape: -glares until the papers catch fire-

Neville: -jumps away-

Tom: -Looks around- Why am I sore...?

Draco: -Smirks- Uncle Dumbles Visited.

Tom: o.o

Neville: -bursts out laughing-

Snape: I didn't do a thing...-innocent-

Tom: -Scowls and Crucio's Draco-

Tom: -Then Neville for laughing-

Tom: -Then Snape just because-

Snape: Continue, shall we? ...With what hasn't caught fire?

Snape: -twitch- I hate you…

** "Dunno..."**

"Did you dream about having children, kissing, making love? Marrying?"

Harry fell silent. Whenever he pictured himself near Hermione, it would imagine them talking, hugging, kissing on the cheek, smiling to each other... he never thought of the French kiss, or of making love to her. Maybe Alexandra was right, but why then was he jealous?

"Dunno... I thought of other things... like romantic walks, talking and stuff... But I am jealous. Very jealous." "Well, then, you need time to understand your feelings. I'd suggest you give yourself time. C'mon, or we'll be late for breakfast. Will you help me?" 

Tom: Yes, help me even though I can do things for my self.

Snape: Damn Mary-Sue

Neville: -sobbing on the floor-

Tom: Wuss. It wasn't even that strong a spell.

Neville: -sob-

**She stretched out her hand. He took it. With her other hand Alexandra took her stick. He led her in the Great Hall. He was much easier with her on his side.**

"Alexandra..."

"It's Alex, Harry. Much shorter," she interrupted.

"OK, Alex, I wanna say..." he paused.

"What?"

"Thanks."

She smiled: "You are very welcome." 

Snape: She's a girl...She doesn't have a stick

Tom: She has a cane.

Tom: Author doesn't know shit about blind people.

Snape: Went right over the Dark Lord's head...

Tom: Nyquil's still in my system. I got it though, don't worry.

Snape: Sure you did.

**Their first class that day was double Potions. 'Great beginning of the week,' Harry thought. After breakfast he led Alex into the dungeons. Draco Malfoy was, of course, there: **

"Well, well, Potter and his girlfriend. Blamez, don't you think you'd be better off with a real man, and not a dork?"

"You're right, I'm better off with a real man, not a ferret and show-off," she answered.

"Insulting me?"

"Take it as you want." 

Tom: Congrats Snape. You get the Mary Sue.

Tom: She'll either Love you or Hate you.

Snape: Go me! -sarcasm-

Neville: How did she know about the ferret incident?

Draco: Why bring me back into this? -Groans-

Neville: That story's been all the way to America!

Tom: Bloody Americans.

Snape: My great-aunt is American, thank you very much.

Neville: O.o

**And with these words she turned her back on Draco, grabbed Harry's hand and proceeded into the class.**

When Snape entered the classroom, everyone fell silent. Ron and Hermione stopped giggling. Harry, who was sitting near Alexandra, threw them a last sad look. They asked him to sit with them, but he mumbled something about not wanting to disturb them. He also said that Alex must need help. So, he sat with her.

Snape was furious that day. Harry thought that was due to the fact that he didn't have the DADA position. He decided to take it out on Alexandra (_A/N: there was a very good reason, which will be revealed later_).

Snape: I don't take anger out on students for no reason!

Draco: Snape's her father.

Snape: I am not!

Draco: He has a reason. He hates everyone.

Snape: I do not!

Tom: Well, the Gryffindors.

Neville: He's her old lover...

Snape: Crucio

Tom: The rest he's indifference about.

Tom: -watches Neville twitch-

Snape: I love it when they twitch. -evil grin-

Tom: -Happy Smile- Yes...

** "Miss Blamez, I don't know how you'll be able to brew potions if you can't see the ingredients, but I warn you that I will not give you any help and nor will anyone from this class. Even Potter and Miss Granger."**

"Don't worry, professor, I'll manage."

"I believe you archived O's in your Potion OWL?"

"Yes, Sir, I did."

"Well then, let's check how deep your knowledge is. Tell me, what do I get by mixing Moonstones and Sunny-white-flowers?" 

Snape: Sunny...White...Flowers?

Tom: -Shudder-

Tom: Just you repeating that is wrong...

Snape: You won't catch me dead saying sunny white flowers!

** "Nothing sir, they don't react."**

"Good, well then, tell me the sensations you have when you drink the Polijuice Potion?"

"The person feels sick. He sees his body change. The Potion has an awful taste." Snape was disappointed.

"Lucky for you we have a class to start, or I would have found something you didn't know."

Alexandra smiled, but said nothing.

"Today we'll be brewing the Draught of Peace. The instructions are on the blackboard. Please proceed." 

Tom: -Rolls eyes-

Tom: You're a sucky ass teacher, Snape.

Snape: Great. She's a genius Sue...

Snape: -glares- I'd crucio you, but you'd give it back ten-fold.

Tom: Damn Straight.

**Harry wondered how Alex was going to brew the potion if she couldn't see the instructions and the ingredients. He saw she began lightly touching and then smelling the ingredients, and then began putting them in the cauldron and mixing them. He thought he would ask her after classes how she did it.**

By the end of the second lesson Snape said:

"Your potions should be finished by now. Please take a sample and bring them to me."

Alexandra asked Harry: 

Tom: -Sue- Make sweet sweet love to me!

Snape: I don't say please!

Draco: Nope, At least I never saw you...

Snape: Damn Straight. The only time you catch me saying please is late at night with Hermione.

Neville: -gags-

** "Could you poor my potion into the jar, please?" When he did so, he helped her reach the teacher's table without being knocked down by anyone. They both handed in their potions. Snape sneered.**

"I see miss Blamez that you have succeeded and without talking during my class. Well then, make it clear that if you ever ask Potter anything, I will deduct House Points from you. We'll see if you can brew every potion without asking Potter one single thing. Class dismissed." 

Snape: They make me out to be a bastard!

Snape: -indignant-

Tom: ... You are a bastard... 

Snape: ...I'm just grumpy...I don't get enough sleep. Do you know how cold it is in the dungeons at night!

Neville: Suuure

Tom: ... Yes... I am Slytherin, remember.

Snape: Oh yeah.

**When Harry was out of the classroom, he couldn't master his rage:**

"How can he be so cruel! If he didn't get the DADA post, doesn't mean he has to take it out on you!"

"You say he wants the DADA post?"

"Yeah, why?"

"That explains it."

"Explains what?"

"Oh nothing, just forget it," Alexandra smiled. 

Snape: She's a psychic bitch.

Tom: We need to kill her.

Snape: Yes.

Neville: -sneaks out-

Draco: -Ignore's Neville-

** "By the way, how did you manage to brew the potion and to distinguish the ingredients?"**

"Oh, about the ingredients... well, first I touched them, then smelled them. Every ingredient has a different smell and the poisonous plants feel different. So, when I know they are not poisonous, I start smelling them to know which ingredient is which. And about the recipe... I know all the potions he can ask me to brew, so...it's easy."

"You know Potions well?"

"And Charms, Transfiguration and DADA too."

"Wow... you must have studied a lot..." 

Snape: She's perfect...Yadda yadda yadda...

Tom: -Twitch- Mary Sue... > 

Draco: -Shudders-

-Door opens and Hermione walks in-

Hermione: Neville told me there was a book sale here...Oh! What are you all doing here? -shock- Voldemort!

Snape: I hate Neville.

Tom: -Scowls- Mudblood..

. 

Draco: -Scowls as well-

Snape: That's a bit harsh, don't you think? -scowls-

Tom: -Crucio's Neville-

Snape: He's gone, remember?

Tom: My spells have a long reach. --

Hermione: -sits and reads- Ewww. A Mary Sue fic!

Tom: -Gets out his Nyquil-

Neville: -screams from the hallway-

Tom: -Smiles and takes a swig of the medicine-

** "I don't have anything else to do, do I?" she laughed.**

And they proceeded into the Great Hall to have lunch. 

Tom: Random leftover convo...

Snape: Oh wow. Brilliant.

Hermione: Nyquill's bad for you if you overdose like you are...

Draco: -Mutter- Snape didn't mind...

Hermione: What was that?

Snape: -glares at Draco- Nothing.

Tom: -Still sober enough to glare at Snape- It's wasn't uncle Dumbles! It was you!

Snape: How dare you accuse me of that!

Hermione: Of what?

Draco: He buggered a drunk Dark Lord.

Hermione: No!

Tom: ..

Snape: No!

Snape: Yes...A little

Hermione: How could you! -scowls-

Tom: ... -Gulps down the rest of the Nyquil-

**After lunch Harry and Alexandra were off to their double Charm class. Harry preferred to be near Alexandra, and not to stick to Ron and Hermione. When they asked him why, he said he didn't want to interfere in their relation. He also said that Alexandra needed his help, so he would be near her. The real reason was that he couldn't bear to see Hermione with somebody else when he loved her so much.**

When Harry and Alex were on their way to Charms, they ran into somebody in the corridor. Cho. "Well, Harry, is this your new girlfriend? What does she have to deserve the attention of the Boy-Who-Lived? I mean, I was good at Quidditch, Granger was the best in her year... Or are you near her just because you pity her?" 

Hermione: Since when is Cho mean like that?

Draco: OOCness of a possible rival.

Snape: -coughHagridcough-

Tom: -Staring blankly at the screen-

Hermione: Hagrid?

Tom: -Blankly- You're having his baby.

Hermione: I'm WHAT?

Hermione: I don't think so!

Tom: He got the whole class to have an orgy.

Tom: Then Draco seduced him.

Draco: > 

Hermione: oO What has been going on in here?

Snape: Reading bad fanfics

**Alexandra was close to tears, and Harry felt he would like very much to hex Cho.**

"No, she is my friend because she really cares for me and doesn't cry at every word I say!" he snapped angrily.

And he dragged Alexandra with him, leaving an open-mouthed Cho behind. 

Snape: Lame comeback.

Draco: Very lame.

**When they got to class, Harry was shaking with rage. But what Parvati said was the last drop. Parvati and Lavander were speaking loud, without acknowledging Harry's presence: "I mean she is nothing special. She is good looking and maybe has a nice body, but she is blind. What normal boy would go out with a blind girl who needs nursing every second, when he could have every girl he wanted? He is just near her 'cause he pities her. But soon he'll want a normal girl, and he will leave her. I'm telling you, by the end of this year, I'll be dating the Boy-Who-Lived. He asked me out in our fourth year, didn't he? It's just a matter of time..." **

Hermione: The author means the last straw.

Tom: You missed the pasted part too.

Hermione?

Draco: There's nothing to be said about this paragraph... just upping the Mary Sue.

Snape: Yes.

**Parvati continued talking, but Harry wasn't listening anymore. He was looking at Alex. Her eyes were slowly filling with tears. She turned away briskly, snatched her hand out of Harry's and went away as fast as her stick allowed her. Harry was beyond himself: **

Snape: -goo-goo eyes at Hermione-

Hermione: Stop it! -smacks his hand away-

Tom: -Stares- -Lifts a hand and stares at it- Damn, I have long fingers...

Draco: ...

Snape: Random -goes back to googoo eyes-

Draco: Hey, I'm feeling rather stressed...

Hermione: So?

Tom: Oh, that's too bad...

Draco: -Moves closer to Tom-

Snape: Good God.

Hermione: This is a public area!

Tom: Maybe you should try the Nyquil...?

Draco: Didn't stop Snape earlier...

Hermione: Excuse me! -glares at him-

Snape: -crucios Draco-

Draco: -Screams-

Tom: Man, that sucks... -Looks back up at the screen-

Snape: Oh yay. He screamed

Hermione: Moving on!

** "If I ever date a girl, it won't be you! And if I had to choose between her and you, I would surely date Alexandra!" he shouted. Both of the girls were astonished. The whole class was staring at him. He turned his back on them and ran out to catch Alexandra. It wasn't too difficult, considering that she couldn't run. "Alex," he said, grabbing her hand and turning her in that way so she would be facing him. "Alex, you are very special to me," he said, not knowing why. The most special girl was Hermione, but she... He noticed that she was crying. He wanted to kill everyone who harmed her. They had no right to do it. She was such a special person. He caressed her cheek. "I care for you so much. I don't care that you can't see. Vice-verso, I feel that someone needs me. And I know you can manage on your own. Don't listen to them, they are just jealous." **

Snape: Blind people can run!

Hermione: Ignorant author!

Tom: I forgot what we were doing...

Snape: Reading the screen...

Draco: -Twitching but gets back up-

Hermione: No more Nyquill for you.

Draco: Definiately stressing now. -Grabs Tom and pulls him out of the room-

Tom: -Dazed- Bye...

Snape: There they go...

Hermione: I still haven't forgiven you! MOVING ON!

** "Harry, this is the problem. You feel mercy for me. I hate that," she said sadly.**

"No, not true. I wanna help, but I also need you. I care for you. You are my friend. I need you too much to be apart from you even a second. You are my friend. This is what matters."

And he pulled her into a warm embrace. They stood like that silently for some seconds, and then he looked into her eyes, which were still sad, but now there was a spark of joy. 

Tom: -Outside- What are you going to do with that?

Draco: -Evil Laugh- You'll see...

Snape: Deja Vu!

Hermione?

Snape: -clamps hands over ears and sings London Bridge-

Hermione: They've all gone psycho!

(Twenty minutes later)

Snape: -still singing-

Draco: -Drags in a sleeping Tom who is missing some clothing-

Hermione: -near tears-

Tom: -Snore-

** "You are my friend, Alex. I need you. And you know that. Please, never reject me. I won't survive loosing you too."**

"I need you too, Harry," she said silently and then proceeded to their classroom.

In the classroom all the pupils stared at Harry and Alexandra, but they ignored everybody. They sat together at the last bench and seemed not to notice that the others were making slide comments of them. Charms were rather interesting. They learnt the Disillusion Charm, but by the end of the class only Harry, Alex and Hermione could do it. They were given 2 feet of parchment on the topic "Disillusion Charm: where we need them and how to perform them". When the class ended, Ron called Harry: 

Draco: -Sighs- That's better.

Hermione: Of course I could do it! Was there any doubt?

Snape: You're wrong Draco! So very wrong!

Draco: You didn't complain.

Tom: -Snore-

Hermione: -slaps Snape- There! I feel better now!

Snape: I hate you, Malfoy!

** "Harry, could we please have a word."**

"Yeah, sure. Hermione, will you help Alex get to the DADA classroom? She doesn't know where it is."

"Of course. Alex?" she asked, offering Alexandra her hand. Alexandra took it and they both went out of the classroom.

"So what is it, Ron?" Harry asked.

"What is between you and Alexandra?" Ron asked straightly. Harry was astonished. 

Hermione: Ron, always the blunt one.

Snape: -rubbing his cheek-

Draco: He's going to get all 'Stop Pitying her' as well.

Snape: Bet so.

Tom: -Mutters- No, Uncle Dumbles -Snore-

Snape: -shudders-

Snape: -rolls up paper balls and tosses then at Tom-

Hermione: You're so juevinile sometimes, you know that?

** "Nothing, we are just friends."**

"Oh, c'mon," Ron said in disbelief, "you are always around her. You even went to the Girls' Dormitories for her. I mean, she is good looking and stuff, but you barely even know her. Besides, she is blind, helpless. You'll always have to nurse her. You deserve better, mate." 

Hermione: Oh no he didn't!

Draco: Yes, he did

Snape: He did.

Draco: Author didn't read that book apparently.

Hermione: At least it's not OOC... -sighs-

**By the time Ron finished, Harry was shaking with rage. How could they all think so low of Alex? She could take care of herself, but Harry loved to help her. He knew that at least somebody needs him. How could they all reject her just because she was blind? She was clever, cleverer that Ron. She managed in Potions, without seeing the ingredients. She hit her target with the spell even if she couldn't see it. She knew when somebody was around. She noticed more than all the rest altogether. It was not her fault that she was blind. They didn't have the right to push her away just because of it. **

Snape: MORE CLEVER! NOT CLEVERER!

Draco: They think low of her because she's a fucking Mary Sue.

Hermione: -pats his arm- I know...I know...

Tom: -wakes up- Meh?

Tom: -Paper in his hair-

Snape: -snickers-

Draco: -Smirks- Snape threw paper at you.

Snape: You little bastard!

Tom: He did...? -Crucio's Snape lazily-

Snape: -screams and twitches-

Tom: -Runs hand through hair to get paper out-

Tom: I'm sore again...

Snape: -gets up- Draco fucked you.

Tom: He did...? -Crucio's Draco-

Draco: Ahh!

Snape: Bwaha

Tom: -Sits down and looks at screen-

Hermione: Psychos all of you!

** "At least she needs me, unlike you and Hermione. And she understands me. And she cares for me. I don't have anyone else except her. I didn't notice you and Hermione talk to me too much today." And with these words he stormed out of the classroom, leaving an open-mouthed Ron behind.**

He managed to get to their DADA lesson just a minute before the bell rang. He threw himself on the seat and his bag flew to the floor. He snatched the books out of his back and with a loud 'Bang!' they landed on the table. 

Snape: BANG!

Draco: You've known her two days...--

Hermione: oO

Snape: BANG!

Tom: There should have been an explosion...

Snape: BANG! BANG BANG!

Tom: -Yawns-

Hermione: Are you alright?

Snape: BAAANG!

Hermione: -drags Snape outside- Behave!

Snape: No.

-all sorts of noises come from outside-

Draco: Does that mean they're going to have sex.

Tom: Probabaly -Yawns-

Snape: -from outside- Yes it does!

** "What's the matter, Harry?" Alex, who was sitting near him, asked.**

"Oh, I'm sick of them all telling me what to do. They all think they know what's best for me," Harry yelled, not caring that the whole class was staring at them. Alex put her hand on his to calm him down.

"That has something to do with me, doesn't it?" she asked in a whisper.

He simply nodded, not wanting to reply. Then a thought stroked him. Yes, they would all shut up.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" he asked her in a low voice. 

Tom: Potter's getting perved on by a thought.

Hermione: Oh GOD!

Snape: SHHH!

Draco and Tom: -Mutters- Blood Traitor

**She opened her mouth. This was not what she expected to hear. She expected to hear something like: "Our friendship is over", but instead...**

The door near the blackboard burst open before Alexandra could reply, and professor Ivy Crystal emerged into the class. She was, indeed, beautiful. Her hair was now curly. Harry thought she has arranged it with magic. It was chin-length, but suited her fine. Her emerald eyes were shinning. She wore little, barely observable make-up. Her black robes gently outlined her figure and emphasized the color of her eyes and hair. Her smile lightened her face. She had a childish gaze. She was gorgeous. 

Draco: She's a Sue.

(many minutes later) -door opens and Snape and Hermione walk back in-

Tom: She's a clone of the first Sue.

Hermione: -smoothing out her rumpled hair- What did we miss?

Tom: More Sue-ness.

Snape: Should have stayed outside...

** "Good afternoon, class," she said, smiling to them.**

There was a murmur across the class. One could deduct the general message: "Good afternoon". Her smile widened and she said in a cheerful voice:

"Good, that will do. As you all know, the dementors are on Voldemort's..." the class jumped when they heard his name. Harry was astonished to hear her pronounce it without any fear at all. She continued firmly: "...side. So, you will need to know how to defend yourselves. This is why today we are studying the Patronus Spell. I know some of you have already mastered it. So you will have to rehearse it. The rest repeat the incantation after me: Expecto Patronum!" 

Tom: Finally! She spelt my name right!

Snape: Nu uh.

Snape: She left out the R after the E

Snape: Or is that right?

Snape: -spazzes- I don't know!

Tom: I know how to spell my own name. --

Tom: Voldemort.

Snape: GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Tom: Voldie if you're a fuck buddy.

** "_Expecto Patronum! _" the class echoed.**

"Once more, please!"

"_Expecto Patronum!_" "Very well. Now, take out your wand. That's it. Now, think of the happiest moment in your life and say the incantation. The others please join us." 

Snape: Happiest Moment...

Snape: -glances at Hermione who blushes-

Tom: -Smiles- Oh, how he suffered...

Draco: -Smiles- So much blood...

Hermione: So many books...

**Harry noticed that Alexandra did nothing of what the teacher told to do those, who couldn't perform the spell, but now she took out her wand and, together with the others, said: "Expecto Patronum!" A silver unicorn erupted from her wand, along with Harry's stag and Hermione's otter. Most of the class couldn't do it, but till the end of the lesson there were some successful attempts. When the bell rang, Professor Crystal gave them their homework: **

Snape: She can do a patronus too. Oh how lovely...

Tom: Ha! The Mudbloods protector is an otter!

Hermione: Hey! There's nothing wrong with otters! And don't call me Mudblood!

Tom: -Sticks tongue out at her-

Hermione: -sticks hers right back-

Snape: Children!

Draco: Wow.. the maturity in this room...

Snape: -sticks tongue out at both of them-

** "You will practice the incantation for the next lesson. Also, I want a foot of parchment on the topic: "Why dementors fear Patronuses". Class dismissed."**

Harry put Alexandra's books in her bag and offered her his hand. She threw her schoolbag over her shoulder, took her stick with one hand, and with the other she took Harry's hand. They exited the classroom and went to their Common Room. On their way there, Harry asked: 

Snape: Will you fuck me?

Hermione: Can I borrow a book?

** "You still haven't answered my question. Do you wanna be my girlfriend?"**

"Why are you proposing me that?"

"Because in this way they will all leave us alone. They think that I am just playing with you, but this will show them that there is something special between us. It doesn't imply kissing or anything. Just for them to leave us alone. I want to be near you. I won't let you face this world alone. I care for you."

"Don't you think they will just hate me more for dating you?" 

Hermione: That's very low of Harry.

Snape: And this is different how?

Draco: Dating a girl just to get the fangirls at bay.

Hermione: I hate you Tom!

Tom: everyone knows that girlfiend is hated.

Tom: I didn't even do anything to you... yet.

Hermione: Just for the record

Tom: That was a random record.

Hermione: It's still a record!

Tom: Whatever. Have some Nyquil.

** "I don't care. I wanna show them that you are the best, that you are above them. Do you agree to date me?"**

"Uh... yeah, sure... when do we start?"

"Right now," he firmly said. She smiled. They both proceeded to the Great hall to have dinner.

After dinner they went to the Common Room. They had to do their homework. But in the Common Room there was Parvati, discussing loudly the relationship between Harry and Alexandra.

'There is nothing serious between them. They are not really dating. I mean, they have never kissed. She is just using him, and he loves to play the hero who helps the blind, helpless girl. But he will soon get sick of it. He will need a girl, not a bookworm near him. This will soon be over." 

Hermione: Ooo! Nyquil!

Draco: Potter's full of himself...

Tom: -Hands bottle to Hermione-

Hermione: -takes it-

Snape: Don't do it! Don't give in to the dark side!

Tom: You did.

Hermione: Star Wars, much?

Tom: Vader should have won.

Hermione: I knew I shouldn't have let you watch the movies this summer!

Snape: Vader should have won...

** "What!" Harry yelled in disbelief. All the people present in the room jumped when they realized that Harry and Alexandra were present. Parvati looked horrified. "Again? Well, for your information we are dating, and about kissing..." The next second his hand was around Alexandra's waist. He pulled her closer. She was shocked at first, but then she put her hands around his neck and... **

Tom: And began strangling him.

Snape: Don't kiss her!

Draco: For taking advantage of her.

Tom: The prick

Hermione: -drains bottle-

Hermione: Look at the pretty people in this room!

**When Harry released Alexandra, she was trembling. But she was not the only one. Parvati was shaking with rage. The rest were staring blankly at those two. Harry and Alexandra were holding hands, and, without addressing anyone a single word, exited the room. They ran through the corridors, until they were sure that they were alone.**

"Harry..." said Alexandra, shaking as she spoke, "I... was it right what we have done?"

"I don't know and I don't care. I just want you to know that nobody will ever offend you. I shall always be by your side." 

Snape: -sarcastic- I'll always be by your side! Nothing can ever bring us apart!

Tom: -Dramatically- I'll Never let go!

Hermione: -glares at him- But that's exactly what you told me two years ago!

Tom: That's what he told me -Looks at watch- an hour ago.

Tom: Yes, my memories' back --

Hermione: -slaps Snape and runs from room-

Tom: -Mutters- Uncle Dumbles...-

Snape: See what you've done! What goes on stays secret!

Snape: -runs out after Hermione-

** "Thanks, Harry," she smiled weakly.**

Suddenly, they heard voices. As they had to be in bed by this time, they hid behind a statue. From a corner emerged Professor Snape. 

Tom: Dun Dun Dun!

Draco: Damn… that's almost creepy… o.O


End file.
